your parents love me but you hate me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
