I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I am one with the molecules
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
