Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
