I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
