oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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