He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
