I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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