Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
