Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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