Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
