my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
