he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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