How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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