Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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