When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
