but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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