I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
