Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
