I think im going to throw up on grandma
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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