She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
