I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
