hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
