He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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