I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
