New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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