I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
