my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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