I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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