Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
