Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
