I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
