I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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