His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
