i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
