We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
