Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
