Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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