I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
