i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
