I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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