why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
