nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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