just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
