My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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