Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
