Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
