I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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