you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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