Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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