I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
