He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
