It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
