She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
