I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
